Wednesday, July 8, 2009

jokes...‏

Stage 1 - SMART
---------------
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass
on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very
WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties
are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
----------------------
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
--------------
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets
at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally,
you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet
because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that
you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
----------------------
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to
a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking
than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
-------------------
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person
who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at
the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and
because you're still SMART you know ALL the words." Doris, is sitting in a bar, and says to her friend that she wants
to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."




*************

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me
five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches
his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five
beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and
will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then
the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will
grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?"

************
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him
as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender
still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the
whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new
hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left... then to the right... right through the front door, into
the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head"


**************

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a
drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the
bartender got worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."

He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."






A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he
looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and
asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times
before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your
pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she
looks good enough, I'll go home."


*******

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realised that
his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into
the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then
fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled
with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by
the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And
let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in
Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse
was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what
happened in Texas anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

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