Thursday, June 18, 2009

A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

If you love God, send this to ten people and
back to the person that sent it.

THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY

May God Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but
to one person you just might be the world"

"I asked God to give me happiness,God said,
'No,I give you blessings,Happiness is up to you'."

JOKE - - - SARVA GUNA SAMPANNA...!!!

The Young Brahmin asked, "Is it true, that your daughter has all the good qualities and pleasing looks ?"

The old brahmin answered, "Haan! More that that, she is Sundara Vati and Padma Vati !"

"But, can she cook and keep house ?" Asked the young man.
"Oh yes, she is Dharma Vati!" answered the old man.

"Now, can she sew? asked the young man.
"Oh yes . . . . yes, she can not only sew, but she is Kala Vati ! "
answered the old man.

"What about her education?" asked the young man.
"She is Vidya Vati !" answered the old man.

And the Vedas ? " asked the young man.
"Oh yes . . . . yes, she is Veda Vati !" answered the old man.

The young man is very happy to find the perfect bride and gets married to her.

Two days later, he comes back with his newly married bride in town. The old Brahmin is surprised. He asks, " What happened, my son?" Why do you look so upset ?

The young man says, " Well sir, you told me that your daughter is already a Sundara Vati, Padma Vati, Dharma Vati, Kala Vati, Vidya Vati and a Veda Vati ? "

"Yes, my son - I certainly did " replies the old man.

But Sir - you forgot to tell me that, she is also already a 'Garbha Vati'

Fifteen things God wont ask u...

God won’t ask which car you drive, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

God won’t ask how big is your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.


God won’t ask about the fancy clothes in your wardrobe, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.


God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed with others.


God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.


God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.


God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.


God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.


God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you reformed your job to the best of your ability.


God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.


God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.


God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.


God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.

God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.


God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t.


god wont ask if u have went thru this mail, but will ask if you have followed them from now on.

Gender of a computer

A French teacher was explaining to her college class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine...


House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "Le crayon."


*********


A student asked, "What gender is computer ?"


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.


*********


The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:


1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.


*********


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine Le computer) because:

1.. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3.. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4.. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.





















.

God Made Laws

Law of ......




Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.


Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Pills-When you open the Aluminium foil to take out the pills they invariably fall down under the table or a shelf and make you search

सरदार Jokes!!Amazing

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that's for those who don't know Swimming.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Sardar: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- "1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

Sardar in airplane going to Bombay. While its landing he was excited and shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!.

Son: papa, 4+3 kithne hai?
Sardar: ullu ke patthe, gadhe, idiot, naalaayak, besharam, tujhe kuch nahi aathaa? Jaa andhar se CALCULATOR le ke Aa..

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said: "Oye, Torch is okay"


A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so

for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

'It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.'

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:

'Please tie a pillow to my back.'

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said

smugly: 'Please fix two pillows to my back.'

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

'You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!'

'Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,' Sardar replied.

'In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes..'

'Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.' The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

'If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.' And what is your second wish?' the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, 'Tie the Pakistani to my back' !!!

'SINGH IS KING'

.

> Man: Is
> there any way for long life?
> Dr: Get married.
> Man: Will it help?
>
> Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
> ------------ --------- --------- ----
> Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
> It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
> before the fight begins!
>
> ------------
> --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
>
>
> Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs
> Arranged.
> It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being
> murdered.
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful
> things as women
> and then he turns them into Wives.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
>
> If u r married please ignore this msg,
> for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
> about something you
>
> say.
> After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster
> than electronic
> banking.
>
> It's called marriage.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Girlfriends r like chocolates,
> taste good anytime.
> Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
> Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no
> choice.
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or
> cremated?
> Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the
> ash.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
>
> Q: Why dogs don't marry?
> A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so
> much that he
>
> would
> go through hell for her. They got married and now he is
> going thru hell.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying
> & the other
>
> ensures you
> continue to do so for the rest of your life!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second
> woman?
> A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the
> same offence!
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
> Here comes the Ultimate One :)
> Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man,
> The Master of Women'?
> Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side,
> sir.

These are just too funny....

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. " Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

E IGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

Santa Singh's Wife Pregnent

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day.. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father-in- law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father-in- law to write "the watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.

The D-day arrived.. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do... If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes " watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram.

Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

INTELLIGENT COUNSEL..........so funny

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam, what his leadership philosophy is.

He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.

I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister.. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

it's Manmohan Singh!"

The Conspiracy

The Pandavas were superior to the Kauravas in every respect, both in strength and intelligence. They were greatly appreciated for their innate noble qualities. Bheeshma advised Dhritarashtra to declare Yudishthira as the crown prince of Hastinapur since he was the eldest and was endowed with fine qualities of a king.

Duryodhan's jealousy for the Pandavas increased after hearing that Yudishthira would be declared the crown prince. Out of anger, Duryodhan planned to kill the Pandavas so that he can ascend the throne of Hastinapur. One day Duryodhan approached his father, Dhritarashtra, and requested him to send the Pandavas to the annual Pashupati fair in Varnavat, a place far away from Hastinapur. Ignorant of any foul play, Dhritarashtra asked the Pandavas to attend the fair.

Duryodhan, on the other hand, secretly ordered his trusted partner Purochana, to make a special palace, with highly inflammable materials, for the Pandavas. His heinous plan was to burn the Pandavas alive while sleeping. According to the plan, Purochana would guard the palace and would put it on fire on the following dark night.

However, Vidur, uncle of the Pandavas, and their well wisher, came to know of Duryodhan’s heinous plan and alerted Yudishthira. Yudishthira did not want to make a big deal out of this matter, since the Pandavas were not yet ready to fight back. So he decided to handle this in a clandestine manner. In order to allow the Pandavas to gain time, Vidur sent a miner to Varnavat to secretly dig an escape tunnel from the palace. The tunnel would lead into a nearby dense forest, an area easy enough for the Pandavas to hide.



On the night when the heinous deed was about to be performed, Bheema bolted Purochana’s room from outside and set the house on fire. Then the Pandavas escaped through the tunnel into the forest. At the site of the massive conflagration, the people of Varnavat came rushing to extinguish the fire. However, the highly flammable palace burnt to ashes quickly. Everyone thought that the Pandavas were burnt in the fire. Soon, the news reached Hastinapur. Dhritarashtra and Bheeshma were shocked to hear the news. Duryodhan was elated to hear it, but outwardly acted to be sad .

After many miles of walk through the forest, the Pandava brothers and mother Kunti laid down under a banyan tree, hungry and thirsty. Bheema went to get the water but when he came back, he saw everyone in deep sleep. Bheema stayed awake to guard them.

The forest was a hunting reserve of a fearful demon called Hidimb. He lived with his sister Hidimba on a huge tree, near the place where the Pandavas were resting. As soon as Hidimb smelled the presence of humans, he asked his sister Hidimba to kill them for their dinner. Hidimba reached the place and saw Bheema guarding the Pandavas. After seeing the muscular body of Bheema, she instantaneously fell in love with him. So she transformed herself into a beautiful maiden and approached Bheema. Bheema also fell in love with Hidimba at the first sight. On Hidimba's inquiry Bheema explained the reason for his family to hide in the forest. Hidimba sympathized and promised to help them. In the meantime, Hidimb got impatient and came down from the tree in search of his sister. When he saw his sister making love to his intended prey, he became furious. He attacked Bheema instantly. Bheema pulled him away to a distance so that his family could rest. A terrible fight ensued. Finally Hidimb was killed by Bheema.

When the family of Pandavas got up, Kunti noticed a beautiful maiden standing near Bheema. She inquired and Hidimba explained what had just happened. She further requested Kunti to permit her son Bheema to marry her. Hidimba promised to return Bheema to the Pandavas after the birth of a child. Kunti and her four sons were impressed by Hidimba and agreed to accept her as Bheema’s wife.

Following a short ceremony, Hidimba and Bheema left for the land of beauty. In course of time, a child was born who was named Ghatotkacha. Ghatotkacha grew up in no time and, like his father, became a great warrior. Bheema returned to his family with his son and wife. As promised, Hidimba left with her son after a short visit and Ghatotkacha promised to return to the Pandavas whenever called.

After some time of hiding in the forest, the Pandavas began to plan to leave the forest when Veda Vyas arrived. He consoled the Pandavas and assured them that justice will finally avail. He advised them to have patience and to endure their current hardship. On the advise of Veda Vyas, Kunti and her five sons went to a nearby town, called Ekachakra. They stayed with a Brahmin family, disguised as Brahmins. The Pandavas lived on begging alms and chanting prayers.

One day, while Kunti was resting at noon, she heard wailings inside the Brahmin's house where they were staying. Considering it to be a part of their duty to stand beside their host at the time of adversity, Kunti went to inquire of their misery.

The Brahmin told the horror story that this village was cursed by a demon called Bakasur. When he came into the town of Ekachakra from no where, he was killing people at random and destroying the village. Finally the leader of the town made a deal with Bakasur asking him to stay in the nearby forest. Every day the town will send to him a cartload of food drawn by two buffaloes, driven by a person drawn by lot. Bakasur will eat the food, the buffaloes and the driver. Kunti immediately guessed that it must be the turn of the host-family that day to send a driver. To the surprise of all, Kunti offered her help.



"I have five children and I will send Bheema to meet the demon. He is strong enough to kill the demon and free the town from his clutch forever. The only request that I will make is to keep it a secret and not to reveal our identity."

Bheema met Bakasur and ignoring him began to eat his food in front of him. Bakasur got furious and attacked Bheema. A fearful fight soon ensued and Bakasur was killed. Bheema secretly dragged his body at night to the entrance of the town and left it there for the people to witness.

Next morning, the citizens were surprised to see the dead body of Bakasur. They rejoiced to their heart's content. When they asked the Brahmin, the host of the Pandavas, he only said, "It is all God's will. Let us thank Him for removing the menace for good."



Later on, while at Ekachakra, the Pandavas heard from a traveler that Drupad, the king of Panchal, was holding a swyambara for getting his beautiful daughter Draupadi married to the best of the princes. In those days, swyambara was a royal ceremony where the suitors competed in certain events and the winner got the hand of the princess. The Pandavas knew Drupad whom they humbled before their guru Dronacharya. Drupad did not have any child. He performed a Yagna (fire worship) so devotedly that a boy and a girl sprung out of the fire. The boy was named Dhritasthadyumna and the girl, Draupadi. Draupadi was well known for her stunning beauty and many princes aspired to win her hand. Pandava brothers also decided to attend the swyambara ceremony, disguised as Brahmins.

APPEARANCE IS OFTEN DECEPTIVE

One day a deer went to a pool to quench his thirst. The pool water was so clear and still that he could see his reflection in it quite vividly. He looked at the image of his antlers and felt proud of their beauty.

Suddenly, his eyes fell on the reflection of his fore-legs. Though slender to look at, they gave him his high speed. But he felt sad seeing them. With heavy heart, he quenched his thirst hardly, had he raised his head when he saw a lion coming towards him. So, he took to his heels and the lion was left far behind.

The deer took a sigh of relief. But unfortunately, his antlers got caught in a thicket. He tried his best to be free but could not. In the meantime, the lion came quite closer.

The deer now cursed himself for condemning his legs and praising his horns. But now he could do nothing. The lion overtook him and tore him to pieces.

The deer was having pride for his horns because of which, he became the food of the lion. On the other hand, he was cursing his legs, which only could save him from the grip of the lion.

Thoughts from Man's heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.



Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !



And
now the Best one. . . . .



Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered..

'Oh, yeah?' the man said
'And where the hell were you when I got married?'

How She got the raise.....

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay
increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'


Maria: 'No Señora, our gardener he said so.....'

जोक्स सुने है, here are some बनिया Jokes….

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D:D


Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!


Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski
jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor
raha hay:)


Baniya called a newspaper office and
asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar
Gaye".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ..
........... .
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.


Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna main to bhookha hi mar
jaon ga


Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda
सरदारों पर बहुत हो गया

Chilly Question & Ans.-Very good fun

Chilly Question & Ans.

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?


Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday



*********



Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?


Customer: What other colors do you have?



*********



Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.


Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!



*********



Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?


Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.



*********



Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!


Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.



*********



Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!


Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?



*********



Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.


Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!



*********



Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!


Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.



*********



Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!


Son: That's why I say she's no good!



*********

Roles in Heaven and Mythologies

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assurance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records


Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers


Surya
Solaris Administrator


Rakshasas
In house Hackers


Ravan
! ;Internet Explorer WWWF

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup


Hanuman
Linux/s390

Jatayu
Firewall


Dronacharya
System Programmer


Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects



Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)


Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)


Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer


Draupadi
Motivation & Team building


Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM


Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB


Karna
Contract programmer


Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++


Gandhari
Dreamweaver


100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

An old joke but interesting. .......

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The bar man says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog "

Tale to Understand - Don't believe everything that you hear!

A thief hired a room at an inn and stayed there at night. The next morning when he looked out of his window he saw the owner of the inn sitting in the courtyard. The man was wearing an expensive new coat which the thief decided would look good on himself.

Accordingly he went out and sitting beside the innkeeper, struck up a conversation with him. Presently he yawned and then to the innkeeper's astonishment, howled like a wolf.

"Why did you do that?" asked the innkeeper.

"I have no control over it," said the thief. "If I yawn three times I actually turn into a wolf. Please don't leave me. I'm frightened!"

And with that he yawned again and let out another howl. The innkeeper turned pale and got up to go but the thief caught hold of his coat and begged him to stay. Even as he pleaded, he yawned again.

The terrified innkeeper wriggled out of the coat to which the thief was tightly holding on and ran into the inn and locked himself in.

The thief calmly put on the coat and walked away.


REFLECTION



Don’t believe to every tale you hear, whether it is good or bad or whether it’s about someone or even about you. Every tale heard from others need not be true. In other words, gossip is like the smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco-pipes of those who diffuse it: it proves nothing but the bad taste of the smoker.



In our appetite for gossip, we tend to gobble down everything before us, only to find, too late, that it is our ideals we have consumed, and we have not been enlarged by the feasts but only diminished.



Be alert to the power of discrimination and just be like an elephant which knows to separate good water from the bad and consume only the good. Take only what is needed for your own improvement and discard the rest!

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

Bitterness of Life

An experienced wise master grew tired of his Disciple complaining. One morning he sent the Disciple for some salt.

When the Disciple returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and drink it.

"How does it taste?" the master asked.

"Bitter," spit the Disciple.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to put a handful of Salt in the lake nearby.

The two walked to the nearby lake. After the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake...”

As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "Now How does this taste?"

"Fresh Sweet" remarked the Disciple.

"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.

"No," said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside the young man who so reminded him of himself at one time and held his hands.

He told the young man, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in!”

Tale to Understand - Astheyam or non-stealing of others property under any circumstance.

One day Dala Tarwadi's wife told her husband she would like to make brinjal sambhar and asked him to get a brinjal. Dala Tarwadi stole into Vasaram Bhuvo's field where brinjals grew in abundance. But he did not just take one and run. He was a man of integrity and felt that he should ask permission to take the vegetables. So crouching beside the brinjal plants he whispered:

"Field, field, may I take a brinjal?"

Then answering for the field replied: "Why just one, dear Tarwadi? Take ten or twelve."

Then he took a dozen brinjals and sneaked out of the field. A few days later he raided the field again. And then once more.

The owner of the field, Vasaram Bhuvo, a giant of a man and the most hard-working farmer in the village realised that somebody was stealing his brinjals and began to keep a watch on his field. One night he saw Tarwadi sneak in and followed him. Tarwadi, unaware that he had an audience, as usual asked for and gave himself permission to take the brinjals. But before he could touch them, Vasaram caught hold to him and carried him away. He dumped him at the edge of a pond.

"Pond, pond," said Vasaram, "how many times should I dip this wretch into your water?"

And answering for the pond, replied: "Not just once, dear Bhuvo. Dip him into it a hundred or two hundred times or more."

When Tarwadi staggered home later that night he was soaking wet --but he was cured of his thieving ways for ever.



REFLECTION


There are five basic principles of human values to practise, given in our Dharma shastras under the concept of Yama or self control. They are: Ahimsa, Sathya, Astheya, Brahmacharya, and Aparigraha.



The above story highlights the third principle - Astheyam ; which is non- stealing of another’s property – whether wealth, women, land, ideas or any object of one’s possession under any circumstance or any kind of compulsion. The word 'property' not only confines to physical objects but even criticizing someone in a way that harms him/her also amounts to theft (of his good name).

When we need anything, there is nothing wrong in us taking it with the permission of the owner. But to take or use any object without such permission amounts to stealing. For example - It is very common among students to borrow a friend's book or camera and use it. But when the book is pampered or the camera is damaged, the responsibility for getting it repaired is that of the user and not doing that before returning the object equals to theft.


Thus even the thought of taking another's property should not arise in the mind. Nor should one tell others to commit theft.



This is a hard principle to practice initially, but gradually when this value is deeply imbibed in one self, the conscience stays clear and this helps us evolve in our saddhana with purity of mind and clarity.

Marvelous Answer....

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are basically doing the same work?”

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

“TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING”.